I’m tired of this kind of pretending. The kind where we take complex feelings and squash them down into one dimension.

I think I’m ready to not hold on to things so tightly, and to let things grow and move and fade as they do. But it’s the monotony of pretending that gets to me.

I like things complex, multifaceted. I taught myself to embrance the uncertainty and confusion of potential contradictions. I have had great relationship with people, some of the closest people in my life, that have been almost undefinable. And they have been wonderful.

Then they fall in love with someone, which doesn’t make my feelings for and about them go away. It makes them stronger. And though it likely changes their feeling towards and about me in some ways, I don’t believe they disappear. Suddenly, however, we have to fade certain aspects of our relationship out. We have to pretend that things are very straightforward and simple. but they’re not. At least not for me.

I keep having complex feelings, but now only some of them are allowed out. Only some of them can be acknowledged and expressed. Suddenly my closest friends and I are lying to each other via omission. We know we’re doing it. We can tell when we look in each other’s eyes, or by our tone, or by the little things that are said or unsaid. And that’s a sad feeling.

No person is one-dimensional, yet it is something special and rare to find those certain blends of complexity that keep you on your toes, keep you coming back, keep you engaged and excited.

I like humans more than anything else, in their glorious complexity. When you try to straighten things out, to simplify them, I lose interest.