Anonymous asked: I know more than a few people who agree that you do not know how to respect the boundaries of others. Just something to think about.

Thank you for the feedback.

It’s hard to know exactly what to do with a comment like this, especially in the context of this sort of blog. Anonymous comments allow people to say things they might not otherwise say, but it also means I can’t ask for clarification or additional feedback, etc. I know I should take this with a grain of salt, being an anon blog comment and all, but I think that even if not completely accurate it’s based in truth.

So, what to do? I think the answer for me is to be thankful for constructive criticism. We all have things we need to be called out on from time to time, none of us are perfect, and we all have work to do. I certainly have a ton of work to do myself. I came to my singledom/dating/non-monogamous-sex-life fairly recently, in fact quite shortly before I started this blog, and so in some ways I feel like I’m behind the curve, and have a lot of catching up to do.

As I think I hinted at in my previous answer, my understanding and practice of consent is continuing to evolve. Being a shy and socially-anxious person, it was really scary to start dating and looking for sexual partners outside of a relationship context. Personal insecurity, a desire to please/be liked, and a penchant for overcoming/hiding shyness through loudness/assertiveness all were part of the difficulties I had (and to some extent, still have) with navigating sexually-charged interactions with people. I think this is probably something that a lot of people deal with.

I can fully acknowledge that there have been times when I have made people uncomfortable, and not in that nice way. Without knowing any more about the specifics of this comment, I am assuming that a lot of the boundary issues being referred to are things happening in a social context. I’ve missed or ignored subtle cues—such as eye contact, posture, tone of voice, etc.—that were indicators that something I was doing was unwelcome, or that in some way I’d gone or was about to go too far. Knowing how and when to flirt, what comments are appropriate at any given time, being mindful of personal space, and other related issues are things I’ve struggled with. When I’m feeling shy or insecure my defense mechanism has always been to put on a louder/more confident/more assertive facade. This has been problematic for a number of reasons, including potentially pushing people’s boundaries. I can also think of a few specific times when I’ve been very drunk and this has been taken to another level, in terms of missing/ignoring cues and overcompensating for shyness/insecurity by being overbearing.

I don’t think that examining factors contributing to poor behaviour excuses that behaviour in any way. However I do think that trying to understand why and when we do things is key to changing the way we act.

I feel like I have made progress on this front over the past couple of years, though I still certainly have a ways to go. There’s always a lot to work on, but I do feel that I am more self-aware in social situations, and that I am also more willing to feel vulnerable and present with things (rather than shielding myself by putting on a Big Personality). As I become more genuinely self-confident, it is easier to accept criticism, and to worry less about being liked and more about living well.

The comment is general, and I’ve taken it to apply to social situations more so than clearly stated/negotiated boundaries and one-on-one (or for that matter, group) sexual situations, because I feel like that’s where I definitely have acted most problematically, and where I’ve needed to (and will continue to) work. That doesn’t mean that the way I’ve handled my own and others’ boundaries in intimate scenarios has always been exemplary, because it hasn’t. In sexual situations, however, it’s almost always been my own boundaries that I haven’t adequately set/respected. This is something else I’ve been working a lot on, and feel that I handle much differently than I did two years, or even two months, ago.

Something that’s been really useful and challenging for me has been rethinking consent, and the ways I can actively give and obtain it. Creating and maintaining good consent practices is something I’ve been thinking a lot about in the past few months, and reconsidering consent has also had me reconsidering past instances where I realize I (and others) didn’t practice consent as well as I could have.

At this point in time, I feel like I am better with setting and respecting boundaries, both in social and intimate situations, than I really ever have been in the past. I know I’m still making lots of mistakes, but I hope I’m making slightly fewer. I’m a work in progress, and it is work, but I acknowledge that, and am interested in continuing to learn and grow. Even though sometimes it just feels really hard, and I sometimes just think it would be better to stay home for the rest of my life and find a really good vibrator or something. Things that are worth doing are not necessarily easy to do.

I appreciate being called out on things that I need to work on. If whomever wrote this thinks I’ve totally missed the point, I welcome them to email me directly. Likewise, if there’s anyone else reading who knows me, and feels that they have something to add in the way of constructive feedback, or if they feel I’ve had or am having issues with boundaries in specific situations which they want to bring to my attention, they are welcome to contact me. I assume that if you know me well enough to make these sorts of statements, you also know how to get ahold of me in person.

And now, back to the smut…