Anonymous asked: Have you ever cheated on a partner? Have you ever been cheated on (as far as you know)? Has anyone ever cheated on their partner with you?

I’ve never cheated on a partner, and as far as I know, no one has cheated on me.

That doesn’t mean partners of mine have never had sexual interactions/relationships with other people while we were together, because they have. All those interactions, or at least all the ones I know about, were with my consent. There have been a couple instances where a partner was more intimately involved with someone or did certain things with them that crossed boundaries we had agreed on. That hurt, and it was something we worked through, and I suppose that’s the closest to “being cheated on” that I’ve experienced, but because of the particular circumstances I never considered it “cheating.”

I know for certain that one person has cheated on a partner/partners with me, and I suspect 2-3 more have as well. Or at least those others were probably doing something they considered borderline. Depending on the specifics of their situations it may not have been cheating, but without knowing those specifics I got the impression that it was probably something that if not forbidden they were “not supposed to do.”

It is impossible to respect boundaries unless you know what they are. I am clear with partners about my own situation, whatever that may be. I also check in often that the other person is feeling comfortable, that they want to be doing whatever it is we’re doing, and I let them know we can stop any time.

There are lots of different kinds of “complicated situations,” and the details of someone’s life are their business, and not mine. I tell them that they know their own circumstances, and their own relationship rules and personal boundaries. I will happily respect boundaries, and I don’t push people to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. At the same time, I will not be put in a place of being expected to police other people’s relationships, or enforce other peoples rules for them. I’m a good communicator, but I’m no mind reader, and I can ultimately only be responsible for myself and my choices.

This is, of course, something I’ve come to over time. When I first started becoming more sexually active I was less sure of myself, and so I found it more difficult to communicate proactively. I didn’t ask for what I needed or wanted as much, and I didn’t always speak up when something made me a bit uncomfortable or unsure.

Since then I’ve grown bit by bit, and come to realize a number of things. One of those is that I am responsible for myself, and my choices, and my actions, and my involvement with others. Another, closely related, lesson, is that other people are responsible for themselves. Their own choices and feelings and actions. I may have an effect on those things in some way, but I can never control them.

These days I work with the information people (are willing to) provide. I look out for myself first and foremost, and I’m compassionate and respectful. I sometimes do things that other people might disagree with, but I haven’t done anything that makes me uncomfortable in a long time. I feel good about that.